what is it you value?

on making decisions amidst stormy seas

Listen to an audio-version of this essay — read by yours truly — below the paywall. xo

I’ve had a spectacularly weird first chapter of adulthood — though maybe everyone feels that way — and I’m realizing it’s totally scrambled my expectations of how anything in life is realistically supposed to go. Maybe I was stunted by the fact that I always knew what I wanted to pursue as a career, or that my first serious boyfriend was “the one,” and having to make hard decisions was never really forced upon me so heavily until now. A dream, I know, but also a weird limbo where I thought I had adult life figured out and suddenly…I do not. Almost like everything I thought I was constructing as adulthood is a strange fever dream that’s entirely irrelevant to actual life, and while the work I’ve done has sprouted so many beautiful new pathways, I feel like I was unexpectedly kicked off the bus a few stops from my destination without a map.

And there are plenty of things to point to as to why or how or in what way the proverbial kicked-off-the-bus feeling came crashing in, but that isn’t really the point here, because in one way or another I do think everyone gets that unexpected jolt off-course once or twice or thirty times a lifetime. And it’s in the rebound that begs the question: when nothing is crystal clear, how do I choose a path to walk?

I think I’ve been leaning on being in a “transition” period for the better part of a few years, navigating life after an all-consuming job, recovering from industry-crushing historic events (hello pandemic & dual Hollywood strikes), and coasting on the fact that that feeling of absolute certainty would come again once I waited long enough. And really what I meant by that, was that I was waiting on another all-consuming job to sweep me away and delay again my fated wrestling with actual life. This is the working actors peril, by the way. The nature of jumping from six months here, to nine months there, to this show and then to this movie, means life usually feels pretend and nothing actually counts. It’s a delightful way to divert your demons to another time, another place, another life! But the curse, as my dear friend Carson says, will always come to be contended with. It only grows the longer you outrun it.

So I’ve been in “transition,” and the jobs have come, though all short-lived or not the right move to take or all-consuming — my favorite — but fell apart just before the finish line. And it occurred to me, once I had been in “transition” for far longer than I expected, that maybe this was just…life. And that by forcing my suspension in “transition,” I was delaying every other aspect of my life thinking that my next move would be unavoidably, obviously clear. Essentially, I was sitting in the passenger’s seat of my life waiting for the next driver to get in and keep driving.

And it’s like it dawned on me suddenly that this was that whole consequential experience I’d been hearing people talk about forever — the part where you don’t know for certain, or nothing externally is guiding you, and the world is, as they say, your oyster. I guess I thought the world is my oyster moment would feel more…exciting? Or like…an accomplishment?

But instead it’s been quiet. And slow-burning. And an uncomfy sort of oh shit, this next part is up to me. If I want the wheels of my life to keep turning, it’s time to stop playing pretend and actually start doing the things I’ve been hoping, dreaming, planning on doing “when the time was right.” AKA, when it fell into my lap. When it was so obvious I couldn’t see anything else. That’s just how it had always been! Moves, jobs, partners. My gut is pretty strong, but something external nearly always reinforced my choices — someone else looking in would have easily told me that my moves were the “right” choice. So when it comes to those other choices, the ones that are too personal for the world to tell you what’s right or that aren’t being kicked off by any higher power, I don’t know that I’ve known how to make them.

I’ve had reoccurring desires, for sure. Some really loud, constant frustrations with certain aspects of life, and excitement for new paths. A deep sort of gut feeling about what was inevitable, but not quite what was “right.” But what did that mean? I kept looping back to well, x person would never make this choice, I’m sure. Y person would run the other way…and what kept bubbling up was when do I get to be the authority on my own life? If a friend expressed this to me, it would be so clear — NOW! Right now you do!

But fear of regret is palpable. What if the perfect clarity I’ve waited for is on the other side of all of this hand-wringing? All of this time I’m wasting? What if what if what if?

And it was my therapist (classic) who cut through the noise. All you can do, she told me, is consider what you value and embrace the choices that get you closer in alignment with those values. There’s bad stuff, and good stuff, either way.

Which seems….so obvious. But I had never considered what I valued. I guess I just…yearned listlessly, accepting my fate because the railroad tracks I was walking were the ones that had to be right. Right? But who said?

And who said there was this ultimate path? The one where nothing is disappointing or feels subpar, where everything is timed perfectly to ensure peak satisfaction. I really think I believed that was an option. And if I whittled away at time long enough, it would appear!

But of course, there is no ultimate path. There is just the path you’re on. And when you change direction, there’s just…that path. And it will wow you and disappoint you. It’s funny too because I know from previous experience that when things “fell into place perfectly,” I suffered plenty of disappointment. I struggled, and was frustrated, and yearned for the opposite. But how quickly we forget!

And sometimes we just need a software update. Because my…hard drive?…is…outdated? Whatever, we grow. And we change. And it’s okay to reevaluate what you really value and how to move closer to it. It’s all you can do! The humming and hawing isn’t moving us anywhere — certainly not closer to the hopes and dreams poised ever-precariously on the horizon.

Even more reassuring…is that you can always move back.

x

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments, in our cozy Substack chat, or anywhere you want to share them. If you enjoyed, consider liking or sharing this post — it helps a ton. x